


The Taste of Tears

by Quartise



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Kissing, M/M, Making Out, Post-Break Up, hidden humour here and there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-10 08:45:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17422670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quartise/pseuds/Quartise
Summary: Life is never easy, but sometimes it gets particularly difficult.Some nights are dark, some are lonely, and the worst are both of these things.Johnny is just trying to survive with his aching heart and his spinning head.





	The Taste of Tears

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> This is my first fic, so please be gentle!  
> English is not my first language, so proceed at your own risk!
> 
> I want to dedicate this fic to a very special person. Red, I really hope you will love my little fic, you always hyping me up gave me so much courage. Your writing always amazed me, and now I hope to amaze you with mine. Have fun!  
> Special thanks to Lena & Pat for listening to my rants and insecurities, I love you guys.
> 
> And now, enjoy!  
> (Johndonation rise!!)

Tonight really is one of those nights. 

Awake and not knowing what to do or how to deal with anything, Johnny rushes out of his room, grabs his jacket in a hurry and leaves their apartment as fast as possible. 

He tries not to make a fuss as to not wake up his roommate Jaehyun, after all it's past 2 am and he really doesn't want to deal with a grumpy Jae right now. 

When he rushes to get out of there, he tries to be as quiet as possible, somehow scurrying and tip-toeing at the same time. In his haze he forgot to turn off the living room lights. Oh well. 

After locking the door he grabs his keys in a tensed manner, one of his few keys digging into the tender flesh of his palm. He doesn't care. 

This staircase has always been one of his favourite parts of the apartment complex; their flat is just above the first row of stairs, so when you stand in front of the apartment door, facing the entry, you can see the entering light. 

The entrance consists of a not too big but still big enough double hinged door for a buggy to enter.

Glass is surrounding the door, light illuminating the small foyer and the staircase. Outside the moon is shining, not too bright but bright enough, and a street lantern is also not too far, the mixture creating a calming gloom. 

Johnny has always loved it. Sometimes, when he is restless at night, he brews himself a cup of tea and just sits beside the apartment door on the floor, quietly thinking, abandoning himself to what the night has in store. 

The walls reverberate his deep breath of air, and when he exhales heavily, trying to get rid of some of the tension he is filled with, you can hear it all around. 

After taking these couple of seconds in an attempt to calm himself, which failed miserably, he makes for the front door, holding onto the white handrail a bit too tightly. 

These few steps are a few steps too many, suddenly feeling his anxiety rushing up and he can't reach the door fast enough, almost flying down the stairs. 

When he finally reaches the door, he dashes through it, not caring if he made a noise because he'd be damned to care about that now. The door shuts with a loud click behind him. 

Outside he takes a sharp breath, trying to steady himself yet again. His exhales are shaky while propping himself up on his thighs, trying to regain his usual composure. 

Tough luck for him, because it seems like the more time ticks by, the farther he is from his regular, relaxed self. 

After a few breaths he deems his breathing as normalized and straightens his posture, only to be fully engulfed by the surrounding lights. 

He's always liked this neighbourhood, the people were friendly, but not too friendly, they were distant but not secretive. Their apartment complex is encircled by many more of the same type, so there is not one soul out on the streets at the moment, most people fast asleep in foresight of tomorrow being a Wednesday, a workday. 

Johnny couldn't care less about what day it is. He doesn't have to show up for work until Thursday so why should he. He wouldn't give a damn even if it was Wednesday today. 

Given the current hour, the sky has a nearly black colour layered with a dark shade of blue, a few clouds strewn here and there, the moon half covert by a cloud, half visible. 

He stares at the night sky for a couple of seconds. No stars. The sky stares back. 

Normally the view calms him, calms his thoughts, calms his nerves, but tonight it makes him even more restless, giving him a slightly eerie feeling as he takes up a staring contest with the dark. 

Feeling like exploding in a mere second, he breaks the non-existent eye contact and turns to his left, to the vague direction of his car. 

Johnny loves his car. Not because it is a very fancy car, because it isn't, not because it's his dream car, because it isn't, not even because it has his favourite colour, because it hasn't. It's a run down black vehicle, sometimes it even strikes for no obvious reason, getting him in trouble for being late to work. 

He still loves it wholeheartedly because of all the memories. This car is the embodiment of many crucial events in his life.

The road trip with Jaehyun in their graduation year. Bringing Ten home from a party when he didn't know more than his name and that he is completely wasted, resulting in a unique friendship that lasts to this day. 

Kissing Doyoung for the first time. 

This car is a place of many firsts and some lasts, which is the exact reason it is so dear to Johnny. Even if it consumes too much fuel, even if it sometimes makes gurgling noises and challenges him to die at an A road. It feels like home. 

Johnny's eyes dart around in an attempt to distinguish his car among all the others parked along the sideway when he catches a glimpse of black car paint reflecting the half visible moon. 

Walking fast but not yet jogging he reaches it in no time, pressing a key on his small remote that dangles from his key chain, causing the car to make a cliché beeping sound while flashing its lights for a short moment, signaling it is now unlocked. And just maybe this makes him love it even more. 

The remote is probably the only high-tech thing this car has ever seen, because when he opens the door it squeakes, reminding him that he needs to oil it, even though past attempts weren't always successful. 

Slamming the door shut and then immediately cursing at himself for being the cause of such a loud bang in the middle of the night, he rests for a second, breathing in the familiar scent of his favourite artificial car air freshener and old leather. 

He closes his eyes and reclines his head until it meets the head rest, sitting like that for some moments, time forgotten. 

Opening his eyes with a flash, he remembers why he came down here in such a hurry, why he feels so tensed, why the air is so thick in his lungs.

He swallows audibly before turning to his right, ignoring the few bills that are piling on the passenger seat as well as the empty food container that was once filled with delicious noodles (‘I will throw it away when we get to your place, for real! Aah, believe me~’, Donghyuck had whined when he told him to throw his stuff away this time. Unsurprisingly, he forgot.).

Leaning over to the glove box and opening it, he pulls out an old fashioned CD bag. It has room for 24 CDs. Only one of the spaces is occupied. 

And exactly this is what Johnny was going for, unzipping the bag with slightly shaky hands, taking the only CD out with utter care. 

_For you, my love._

_For long days and restless nights._

_XOXO Do_

Reading what Doyoung wrote on the silver CD with black edding, it once again dawned on him how well this man knew him. How much he meant to him. 

Johnny is holding a mixtape in his hands, to be specific, a mixtape Doyoung made him two years ago for their first anniversary as a couple. They forgot the day they made it official and just picked the date they liked the most around the time they came together. 

Has it really been over two years since he gave it to me? It doesn't feel like two years, more like five or seven years, having made so many memories and having gone through so much. 

A wave of unidentifiable emotion rushes over him, a mix of sadness, anger, happiness, contempt, self-pity and emptiness. 

He never uses the CD player. The only exception being this mixtape. 

His right hand, which is currently holding the CD with unsteady fingers, already wants to insert the CD, but then a realization strikes him. He hasn't started the car yet. No power, no CD player. 

With his left hand he awkwardly fishes the keys out of his right jacket pocket, proving it to be a difficult task but he wouldn't be John Suh if he couldn't do something as simple as snatch his keys. 

After a lot of struggling he gets them out, a sense of triumph filling him, having gotten his keys out while holding a CD in the other hand is truly a significant win, isn't it. 

He places the car key, turns it, and with a not so quiet cackling sound the engine starts, continuing with a grumble. 

The atmosphere inside the car suddenly changes, some of the lights on the control panel lighten up, for example the one beside the CD player, and one of the top lights above his rear-view mirror also lights up and bathes him in bright, artificial light. 

The sudden sensation is blinding but only for a second, because in the next he already feeds the CD player the mixtape, the hungry machine taking it immediately. 

He lets a breath out he didn't know he was holding, and when he hears Doyoung's voice, it hitches. 

_Hey Johnny._

_I started making this mixtape some time ago and figured it would be best gifted on our anniversary. Don't be fooled though, I would've given it to you either way._

_I'm sure you will enjoy the music I picked for you, a few songs are from your favourite bands, so don't worry._

_Even if you don't like it, I don't care. But you better like it. Because I made it with love. Got it?_

_And now, music cue~_

Doyoung sing-songed that last part of the message and in the second his voice vanishes, it is replaced by slow music, a song he knows very well. 

He knows the message. Word for word. He listened to it many times before, sometimes even replaying it only to hear his voice again and again and again. God, he misses him so much. 

Doyoung has been a very important part of his life for many years now, he still can't believe that he simply isn't anymore. 

Shortly after he started getting lost in his thoughts, he abruptly snaps out of them and realizes he's still standing there with a running engine, which is very rude at this kind of time and slightly embarrassing to begin with. 

Of course, he could just turn the key and therefore turn off the motor, leaving the battery still running so he could listen to the mixtape in peace.

But today is not one of _those_ nights. 

He straightens in his seat and puts both his hands on the steering wheel, trying to clean his thoughts off Doyoung just for a tiny teeny bit so he can concentrate on the task at hand, and that is getting out of this parking space. 

Surprisingly so, he manages to do it in one go without being distracted by himself, smoothly rolling onto the street and starting his night drive. 

Out of the city, anywhere is fine, is the thought that occupies his mind right now. Taking a left turn, his apartment complex already out of sight, he feels relief, and breathing just got a little bit easier. 

Following this street he knows he'll meet an A road at some point, and that's exactly what he wants. Empty, long streets, no cars in sight and if there are, they are gone in no time, rushing by him fast. 

Solitude. 

Driving is much like breathing to him at this point, he knows this car inside out and has spent uncountable hours in it, which makes it possible to shift his focus a bit.

Distracted by pretty much everything up until now he forgot to turn off the light right above him, it's so annoyingly bright, how could he even forget to do it. 

With a click it's out, and suddenly the world is much more peaceful. 

A new song starts playing just in time, bringing his attention back to the mixtape. It's only the second song yet, one of Doyoung's favourite songs, he would recognize the tune anywhere. 

He quietly hums to the melody while sinking into deep thought. Thoughts about Doyoung. Where did it all go wrong? He still doesn't have a clear answer, and he probably never will. 

It was somewhere around their graduation when he felt something was off. That something just wasn't right anymore. Something was _missing_. 

With time, they slowly grew apart, even being encouraged by the fact that they weren't living together since Johnny was rooming with Jaehyun and Doyoung with Jungwoo. They had always liked it that way. But suddenly it was just one more point on a not short enough list. 

They wouldn't meet up that frequently anymore, both busy with life. Finding a job, starting a career, those were their priorities then, which is only natural, given that they studied for many years to reach this point. 

The life they shared before was in the past, and somehow they didn't survive the change. 

To this day, Johnny asks himself what he could've done better. Different. Anything to avoid this outcome. But the answer is always the same: Nothing. It would've turned out like this anyway. 

The third song is already at its first chorus when he reaches the A road, finally leaving the city lights behind him. 

Somewhere, deep inside of him, he is aware that the direction he's taking is not just any direction, but the same that leads to Doyoung's & Jungwoo's shared flat. 

Ignoring the small reminder in his head to turn around and just go back to sleep, he even goes the extra mile and is now driving at the speed limit, rushing through the starless night. 

Wanting to check the time, he searches for his phone. A hot shock rushes over him as he realizes he forgot it in his room, right on his bedside table. 

Cursing at himself under his breath, he doesn't slow down and continues to dash through the dark.

If he keeps this speed up, he should be at Doyoung’s place in less than twenty minutes. Just enough time to finish half the mixtape, another message waiting for him then. He's memorized it just the same as he did the first. 

The fourth song comes to an end, making way for a slow ballad to fill the speakers. The sound quality of those are terrible, but he doesn't mind, it adds to the flair, he likes to think. 

Two years since he got the mixtape. Half a year since the break up. How fast time runs. 

He would lie if he said he's over Doyoung. Sure, it doesn't hurt the way it did at the beginning anymore. Sure, he's not crying himself to sleep every night anymore. Sure, he’s not replaying all the voice messages they exchanged just to hear his beautiful voice again anymore. 

It still hurts though. 

And sometimes, he cracks. Nights like these are not frequent, but more often than he would like to admit. 

Sometimes he would just cry. Crying and sleeping. Sometimes an inexplicable emptiness would come over him, consuming all of him because Doyoung just isn't there anymore. Sometimes he would get angry. At himself, at Doyoung, at everything. 

Tonight is one of these nights where he can't explain, can't begin to think about what he's feeling. He just acts according to the storm inside of him. 

Driving through the night had always calmed his nerves, today being no exception. He thinks about opening a window to let some fresh air fill the interior, but given his speed he wouldn't be able to hear the music properly anymore. So no. 

As the sixth song starts he is sure time's heading towards 3 am, but he can't find it in himself to care. He's just a bit over ten minutes away from his ex's place, the thought making his heart beat a bit faster. 

He hasn't cried yet, so that's a good start. 

He really likes the song that is currently playing, a chill beat with some instrumental and no vocal, perfect to just dive and indulge in. 

The world around him is a dark mess while he thinks of Doyoung, oh, Doyoung.

If he was to describe his ex-boyfriend, he would start with his skin, so fair, he looked like mozzarella when standing in the sun sometimes. A funny view. 

He loves his light skin though. It has a pretty shimmer, nearly as if it was shining, portraying his blue veins like he is a piece of art. 

His whole body is rather delicate but with thin, strong muscle everywhere, the definition of lean. He loves it. 

Much more important than his body is his face though. 

A black mop of hair that somehow never seems to have a bad hair day is always sitting on his head, his dark eyes having a gloomy sparkle to it, sometimes even flashing up when he is planning something extra mischievous. 

His eyes are shaped like almonds, and when he laughs wholeheartedly, losing himself in the laughter, they crinkle and it makes Johnny the happiest being alive. 

Some say his face resembles that of a bunny, and if that isn’t a fitting description of him, Johnny doesn’t know what is.

Doyoung's nose could be best described as subtle, a necessary feature in every face but somehow in his case it seems to fulfill the masterpiece that is his face. 

And of course, his lips. 

The lips he's kissed so many times that if he tried counting, he would fail miserably. They're never chapped, always of a satisfying, pink colour, and when he felt very experimental, he used to ‘borrow’ some of Jungwoo's pink lip gloss and let one thing be said: If Doyoung was irresistible before, he was even more so afterwards. To this day Johnny doesn't know how it is possible, but damn it is. 

Thinking about his ex's features so much, the seventh song already reaching its bridge, Johnny's urge to kiss Doyoung has just grown and grown. He hasn't felt these lips for so long, he hasn't tasted him for too long. After the bridge the chorus starts again, for the last time in the song, and Johnny knows he's just one song away from arriving at the apartment. 

He has no idea why he keeps driving to his place. It doesn't happen often but when it does, he usually parks his car in front of the apartment complex, looking up to his window, knowing he is sleeping there in his bed right now, right beside the window. This is also the part where he starts crying, if he didn't already.

Tonight, something is different. 

It sits at the tip of his tongue and he feels it with every fiber of his being but God knows he cannot pinpoint it. 

Maybe it's the intense mix of emotions? No, it can't be, he always has some kind of storm raging inside of him when it comes to these situations. Maybe because of the time? 3 am is pretty much the usual time this happens when it does, so nothing abnormal here either. Maybe because of the eerie moon? Okay, now he's getting ridiculous. 

The seventh song is at the second chorus when he enters the small city, and is at the third chorus when he spots the apartment complex. 

As if the universe wanted it that way, just when he parks his car, nearly in front of the entrance of Doyoung's & Jungwoo's apartment complex, the song ends and leaves him with some moments of silence.

He turns the key and the motor dies, leaving the battery to continue on running and therefore the CD player as well. 

The noiselessness stretches on for some more seconds, until he hears his voice again. 

_Baby, you made it halfway through already, wasn't that bad, was it?_

_The next song is just for you, I mean, every song on this mixtape is for you, but, yeah, you know what I mean._

When his voice vanishes and the next song is about to start, Johnny grabs the key and partly pulls it out, turning the engine off completely, filling the car with suffocating silence and darkness. 

A street lantern is not too far away, so he can still see the outlines of everything inside his car. 

He can’t listen to the song right now. He can’t. 

It's the song he showed Doyoung during their first year of friendship, they hadn’t met too long ago but clicked immediately and soon became best friends. 

Johnny and Doyoung are both very fond of music, both of them even having majored in something music related. 

So it wasn't a far stretch to assume they would show each other music occasionally. In fact, they used to have little music sessions of just showing each other recent artists and songs they discovered, revelling in their love for music and sharing precious moments together. 

One day though, Johnny urged Doyoung to listen to a very specific song. It is one of his all-time favourites, having accompanied him for many years and meaning the world to him. 

So him sharing this piece with Doyoung was a huge deal for him. Both of them knew that. 

And right now, Johnny is really not ready to listen to it, the song being even more emotionally triggering to him now than ever. 

He heaves out a long, drawn out sigh and relaxes against his seat, shutting his eyes close. 

Normally, he would be either crying now or be filled with a certain apathy, but neither is the case right now. 

All he can think of is Doyoung and how much he misses him. His voice. His laugh. 

His touch. 

Just when he begins to reminisce he detects a sudden source of light somewhere. He opens his eyes to check his surroundings, and if he believed in fate, he would've called this an arrangement by the universe. The window lighting up was none other than Doyoung's. Tonight really is different. 

A sudden rush of adrenaline overcomes him, tempting him to be impulsive. No, he tells his mind, you cannot do anything, you don't even have your phone with you. 

And yet, he finds himself opening the driver’s door and stepping out of the car, closing it behind him with a quiet thud. After walking a couple of steps he is in the middle of the sidewalk. Doyoung's window is just on the first floor, this should be manageable. 

Before his rational side could protest, his impulsive side gave in and grabs a couple of small stones. Not wasting one second he throws the first one. A failure, too low. 

Then he throws the second one. Another failure, too high, he nearly hit another person's window, that would've been bad.

But once again this evening he can't bring himself to care, his newfound fever still being fueled by the adrenaline rushing through his veins. 

He throws the third stone, surprised at both the facts that he hit his window precisely and the loud noise that actually made. 

While wondering if he heard the bang or not and already considering if he should throw another one, a silhouette appears at the window. 

Johnny can't make out his expression, but he recognizes the body, as well as the black mop of hair. 

As fast as the silhouette appeared it leaves again, staying hidden for a couple of seconds. Johnny's heart is beating so fast, he can hear the blood being pumped through his body with loud thumps. 

Just when he gave a up hope and starts contemplating once more if he should throw another stone, the window opens up, and is that a hoodie that wasn't there before? 

‘What the hell, Johnny? You do know it is nearly half past 3, right?’, Doyoung whisper-shouts down from his window, slightly leaning out of it to get a better view. 

‘Yes, I am aware, Doyoung. I'm sorry if I disturbed you, I was just in the neighbourhood and saw that your lights were still on and…’

‘And then what, you decided it would be a good idea to throw rocks at my window?’

‘Gravel!’

‘Yeah, whatever. Seriously, what were you thinking? Just get in your car and drive home, I think you should go to sleep.’

‘What if I told you I miss you? That I miss you so much sometimes that it feels difficult to breathe? That you were a big part of my life that has been taken from me? That there is nothing and no one to fill the hole you created when you left? What if I told you-’

‘Okay okay, enough. We might already have woken up some neighbours with how loud you are speaking. Sheesh’, Doyoung utters before he leaves the window and closes it swiftly without a sound. 

To say Johnny feels dejected is an understatement. 

The feeling only grows when a couple seconds later, the lights in Doyoung's room go out. A small part of him indulging in wishful thinking for his ex to come downstairs, but he knows he’s being delusional. 

He didn't sound particularly angry, rather irritated and slightly tired. And no one can beat Doyoung in terms of tiredness induced grumpiness. 

Even though this didn't go to plan at all (what plan?), Johnny feels relieved. 

He's been dying to tell Doyoung how he feels after not having talked for nearly half a year. It's good to have said it, even though he didn't get to finish. 

Turning on his soles to make his way back to his car, his head neither hanging low nor held up high, he stops dead in his tracks when he hears the familiar sound of a door opening. 

‘No way’, he nearly curses out loud under his breath. 

But yes way, because when he turns his head to look at the door, just to make sure he was not hallucinating the noise, he lets out a mix of a yelp and a gasp. 

He didn't expect Doyoung to come down at all, and even less for him to wear one of Johnny's favourite hoodies he stole ages ago. He never complained, his then boyfriend looking better in it anyway. 

‘You really came down. I didn't expect that.’

Johnny is frozen, he barely managed to completely turn around, his mouth still hanging open a bit in surprise. 

Doyoung's eyes have a dark twinkle, as if tears are making them shiny, a small smile playing around the corners of his lips. 

‘Well, I did. I couldn't let your dumbass wake up my neighbours now, could I? They would kill me. You and your damn loud voice.’

Maybe that's supposed to have bite, but Johnny couldn't hear any. If anything, his ex-lover’s voice sounds soft. 

Doyoung is slowly approaching, similar to the way one would approach a wild animal whose eyes are filled with fear. 

If he thought he was full of adrenaline before, well then Johnny is proven wrong now, because the tension and anticipation he feels rising in himself are nearly unbearable, he feels like his nerves are going to rip any second. 

Well, that second comes even faster than he expected, because Doyoung chooses to not continue speaking while walking towards Johnny, and the man in question is barely functioning at this point, overwhelmed by many different emotions brewing together a dangerous cocktail. 

His heart comes to a halt when Doyoung is suddenly standing in front of him, how did he get here so fast, causing Johnny to short circuit by cupping his face with one hand. 

Johnny, having been deprived of this man's touches for too long, leans in on reflex, slightly closing his eyes while enjoying the skinship. 

What he doesn't see though, is how Doyoung's eyes fill up with tears, he only hears it when said man involuntarily sniffles. 

His eyes open fully in a flash.

The almond shaped eyes he daydreamed about just half an hour ago are now filled to the brim with tears, the first one already making its way down his delicate cheek. 

It's in this moment he realizes his ex's eyes are rimmed red, his face more puffy than usual, his cheeks flushed. 

On instinct he cups Doyoung's face too but with both his hands, and once he comes in contact with the smooth skin he feels the dried and only half dried tear streaks on his cheeks. 

Doyoung shoots him one last soft look before he starts full on crying, closing his eyes to avoid eye contact but never removing his hand from Johnny’s face, keeping it there and even rubbing his thumb over his cheekbone, slowly, cautiously. 

Suddenly Johnny feels like crying too, he had always hated seeing his best friend cry because it made him cry as well. This time is no exception. 

When Johnny joins in the quiet crying session and the occasional sniffling, he slowly starts feeling much better, like this was overdue, like this should've happened much earlier. 

He didn't even realize that he's very close to Doyoung's face by now, he only does when their noses slightly brush against each other, and it sends another wave of emotions through his body, wrecking him to the core. 

He hasn't been this close to his other half in much too long of a time, they haven't touched for months and only now Johnny realizes just how deprived he has been all this time. 

Before he can properly think this through, he slightly tilts his head and nudges forward just a bit, his hot breath fanning over Doyoung's lips. 

He wants to give this a second thought, he knows he shouldn't do this, that they broke up, that it's a done deal, that this will make everything just so much harder but he doesn't find it in himself to care. 

Just when he gives in and pushes forward, Doyoung is mimicking the movement, making their lips clash halfway. It hurts just slightly. 

Under normal circumstances, they would've parted again, giggled and connected their lips anew, but this situation is far from normal. 

Their lips meet again but with a bit more caution, and as soon as the connection is made Johnny opens his mouth slightly and presses in more. Doyoung reciprocates and parts his lips as well, licking over Johnny’s plump bottom lip before biting down on it a little too harshly, coaxing a needy sound out of Johnny.

The air is filled with tension while their mouths open and close unrhythmically, a flash of teeth here, a blink of tongue there. It’s so, so messy.

Tilting their heads automatically to deepen the kiss, Johnny licks into Doyoung’s mouth just the way he likes it, earning a stifled moan. Their hands wander everywhere, from faces to shoulders to necks, tugging on hair and grabbing onto soft flesh.

Kissing with a fervor that is new to both of them, they couldn't care less about the world around them, in need for the other's touch, lips, breath. 

To call it a kiss of desperation would be an understatement, they are breathing each other's air, hungry for every inhale, every exhale. 

Doyoung tastes so sweet. 

He had always tasted sweet but today is something else. The inside of his mouth tastes incredibly sweet, so sweet that Johnny begins to think he used flavoured chapstick before he came down, but let's be honest, Johnny isn't thinking much right now.

What makes this experience so different is the contrast given to Doyoung's endless sweetness. 

The salt. 

The dried tears mingle with the fresh ones that are still running down both of their faces and mix into the kiss, giving it another level, intensifying everything. 

No kiss ever tasted better. 

This kiss tastes of desperation, longing, never voiced I-miss-you's, buried love, and most importantly tears. 

Johnny is already short of breath from kissing with such devotion, as if it was their last kiss and they have to taste every possible second of it, when Doyoung not-so-subtly pushes him backwards until his back hits the car. 

A surprised outcry leaves his mouth when his back meets the cold metal, but it gets swallowed by Doyoung's hungry mouth, which once again becomes the only thing he can feel. 

Doyoung tilts his head to the side and deepens the kiss even more, pushing Johnny against the chill surface, pressing their chests together, his tongue exploring Johnny's mouth as it did many times before, but with a newfound want in it.

The sensations are too much for him, and when Doyoung slightly moves his body so one of his legs is between Johnny's and pressing up, he can't take any more of this and breaks the kiss by throwing his head to the side. 

Both of them breathe heavily, and somewhere during the kiss both of them stopped crying, he realizes. When did that happen? 

Nonetheless it changes nothing about the facts that

1) he is currently making out with his ex boyfriend he still isn't over  
2) said man's thigh is dangerously near his crotch  
3) he is still much too close to Doyoung's lips. 

And just when Johnny thinks he recovers from his breathless dilemma, Doyoung starts kissing the corner of his mouth sloppily, sweeping his tongue out to draw it over Johnny's lips repeatedly.

It's driving him crazy. 

It doesn’t come as a surprise when he kisses back, but trying to repay Doyoung for his teasing he lewdly takes the other man's bottom lip between his teeth, making him squirm.

When he feels the movement he realizes his hands wandered down from his cheeks to his shoulders, and Doyoung's are clasped lazily behind his neck. 

He uses this sudden clarity to move his hands to Doyoung's hips, pressing their bodies together as close as possible. 

Doyoung in return, who is getting ever so slightly turned on now, puts his forearms on Johnny's shoulders to bury his fingers in hazel locks, pulling on strands of hair at will. 

He enjoys making Johnny a mess and Johnny couldn't agree more, fastening his grip on Doyoung's hip and exploring the inside of his mouth feverishly. 

They're both gasping and in need of air but that doesn't stop them from moving their mouths against each other eagerly. 

Gasps turn into quiet huffs turn into exhales, the kiss finally slowing down and becoming something more sensual, something more emotional. 

Their hearts presented on a silver platter, ready to be taken by the other's hand, just to be crushed in a merciless judgement. 

The desperation is still there, but other emotions as well as fatigue are slowing them down more and more, until they're hardly moving their lips anymore, Johnny supporting Doyoung's body that is leaning on him. 

At some point their movements halt altogether, but their lips are still not tearing apart, not daring to in fear of never touching again. 

But someone has to break the kiss, and unsurprisingly to Johnny it is Doyoung who pulls away first. 

When Johnny opens his eyes again, he enjoys the sight displayed in front of him maybe a tad too much: Doyoung, his beloved Doyoung, his black hair ruffled (when did that happen), his pink lips swollen and still looking oh so kissable, his eyes tired and still rimmed red but having regained a certain sparkle they were missing before, his cheeks covered in dried tear streaks. 

Upon seeing those, Johnny starts peppering Doyoung's face with kisses, kissing away the salt from his cheeks, his chin, his nose, just about everywhere. 

Doyoung just hums in response, closing his eyes in contempt, enjoying the affection. Johnny feels the hum vibrating against his chest, sending a warm shiver down his spine. 

Before stopping altogether, he kisses both of Do's eyes once though, feeling the sheer need to do so, to kiss away the pain. 

Doyoung opens his eyes again, maintaining eye contact, eyes looking happy and sad at the same time. 

That's when Johnny can't take it anymore and hugs Doyoung so close, he can feel his heart beating in his chest. The other man's arms snake around his torso and hold on tight, giving the impression of never letting go again. 

They stay like this, hugging, breathing in each other's scent for many multiples, time is a construct anyway. 

At some point, Johnny whispers to Doyoung

‘I missed you so much.’

Doyoung, letting out a small giggle, responds

‘I missed you too, idiot.’ 

This being somewhat a signal, they both let go of each other, but still staying slightly entangled in just the right way to create a feeling of proximity and distance at the same time. 

‘I should probably go, it's for sure nearing 4 am, and we don't want your homophobic neighbour to see us like this, remember the last time?’, Johnny suggests in a rather light hearted tone, trying to ease the tension that is slowly building up again. 

‘Ah shit, yeah you're right, I also have work today so I should really catch some sleep before I have to get ready. Luckily I don't start before nine.’

Awkward silence ensues.

‘Well, this is goodbye then?’

Another pause.

‘I suppose so.’

‘Say, Do…’, 

the other's pulse quickens at the sound of the pet name. 

‘Yeah?’

‘What would you think of… Going for a coffee on Saturday? To catch up? And just, talk?’

Only if Doyoung knew how hard Johnny's heart is beating in his chest. He is not the only one who still feels so much and he won't let this chance go. A second chance. 

‘Y-yeah, that sounds nice.’

Doyoung shyly smiles at first but breaks into a full on gummy smile when Johnny continues, 

‘Okay, how about 5 then, at our favourite café near campus, sound good?’

‘Sounds alright to me.’

‘Okay then. I'll go now… And don't forget it: Be there or be square! You know it, Do!’

Doyoung breaks into a fit of laughter upon hearing the silly phrase he learned to love so dearly. 

‘Alright, Johnny-boy! See you there!’, 

is what Johnny gets as a response, his heart ascending to new levels when hearing the old nick name. 

‘See ya!’

Doyoung is already near the door marking the entry to his apartment complex, putting one hand on the handle but turning around in the last second to wave at Johnny. 

He waves back and just when Doyoung opens the door and he thought, now he's gone, the other turns his head again and shouts

‘Have a safe ride home!’

And with that, Doyoung is gone. 

Not really being able to grasp what happened in the last hour or so, Johnny slowly turns around to face his car, taking his time. 

He opens the door with caution and plops on the driver's seat, closing the door softly but still with a bang. 

What just happened?, is the only thought currently occupying his mind. Groaning while throwing his head back and simultaneously covering his eyes with his hands seems to be the way to go. 

Quietly sitting there for a couple minutes, face buried in his own hands, he comes to a temporary explanation: He still loves Doyoung and apparently Doyoung also still loves him. 

Not that he really doubted the feelings of the other, but sometimes you are caught up a bit in prejudice against the person who ended the relationship. 

This is answer enough for now. He'll figure the rest out when he talks to Doyoung. God, Saturday can't come fast enough now. 

Having considerably calmed down, he puts his hands on the steering wheel, throws Doyoung's window one last look and then continues to turn on the ignition. 

His car starts with a quiet cackling sound again, but he doesn't worry about it. 

Just when he started to check all the mirrors and tries to think of the best way he can drive back to the A road, the CD player starts again and sets off where Johnny left it. 

And all so suddenly the inside of his car is filled with a song he doesn't like to remember these days, a song that makes him weep, that has too many memories intertwined with it. 

So it comes as no surprise when Johnny's body runs cold and freezes for a second, only to lift his hand from the steering wheel to press stop. 

Finally it stopped, and even though he only heard the first couple accords, he doesn't want to catapult himself into a carrousel of emotions right now.

He feels relief wash over him as his mind becomes clear again, filled with but one thought: 

Him and Doyoung getting a second chance.

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it through, thank you!  
> I really hope you enjoyed this emotional rollercoaster!
> 
> If you did, kudos and comments make me feel all fuzzy inside. >.<
> 
> Don't hesitate to contact me, I'm a super soft person who wouldn't harm a fly!
> 
> Twitter: @jenoberries  
> cc: oO0quartiseO0o
> 
> Bye!!


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